Sunday, January 10, 2010


Third Party Failure Completely the Fault of Nintendo Wii

In the wake of another year of shitty sales, third party developers across the board are just super pissed off at Nintendo for having an audience that just won't buy their games.

"Nintendo just doesn't know how to bring in the hardcore gamers," said Nigel Percival, supreme overlord of THQ. "We staked our commitment to the Wii on Deadly Creatures, and we were really disappointed by the reception. I mean, it's a game where you're a fucking scorpion. That shit sells itself -- if we put it on any other platform, that would have been a platinum seller. Nintendo raped us, man."

"The Wii is a difficult market to crack," admits Ron Cereal, tsar of Capcom. "First we released a cartoon point and click adventure with a cover that makes it look like a shitty licensed Nickelodeon game, and nobody bought it. Then we tore half the gameplay out of Dead Rising so that we could release an emasculated version on the Wii a year after everyone who cared about the game already bought a far superior version for another system, and again, no takers. I just don't see what we're doing wrong."

"Nintendo really needs to start going to bat for their third party developers," agreed Jack Mortgage, emperor of Electronic Arts. "There is no reason whatsoever, in this market, why a lightgun game based on Dead Space cannot find an audience. The only possible conclusion is that Nintendo is just being a bunch of pricks."

Jamie Severson, princess of Nintendo, declined comment, stating only that she was too busy overseeing development of the Wii Stethoscope.


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